Humor In The Mountains - page 3
This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little S's painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment,
stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the
"hottest" fishing spot, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can
outsmart a fish. (Average cost per fish: $395.68)
"I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will
bring me down safely, won't you?
"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there
yet!"
A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have
reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm
flying anyway."
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet. It is used
to tell the mechanics about problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
to tell what action was taken, then the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by the maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Signs You Might be a Yankee
You can pronounce "Worcestershire Sauce" correctly
You don't know what a moon pie is
You've never, ever eaten okra
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
You've never seen a live chicken
You have no idea what a polecat is
You don't see anything wrong with a sweater on a poodle
You'd rather have your son be a lawyer than his own TV fishing show
You don't have at least one can of WD-40
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores
You can't manage to spit out of the car window w/o pulling over
You don't have doilies, and you don't have any idea how to make one
The word "greens" brings about images of golf courses
Rednecks Are Smart
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana
inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed
where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy."
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to
the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to
the difference in lifestyles:
The North has coffeehouses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
*Also - Please be aware of these facts:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive
pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them,
just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy
food at this store.
Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is
plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck" or "big ol boy."
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It
doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the
proper speed and position for that vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
A Few Entries In The "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
Following are their accounts ...
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel
off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they
left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license
plate still attached to the bumper.
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the
counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that
the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One
day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her
husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar
post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed
photo of handcuffs.
One night a Police Officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible
DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on
the curb and try his keys in five different vehicles before he found his. The
man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started
his engine and began to pull away. The Police officer was waiting for him. As
soon as he pulled onto the street, the Officer stopped him, read him his rights
and administered a breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled Officer demanded to know how that
could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
During courtroom proceedings, all utterings are noted by a clerk. Here are
some of the most humorous:
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for
the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would
he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Can you say what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an
attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A. None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Class comedians: Who said children are getting
dumber.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten
years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Signs - The following are actual signs found on church property:
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads,
"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red
letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message:
"We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" (U R)
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
Newspaper Advertisements: The following were actually taken from recent newspapers, classifieds, and ads.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
Some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
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