Humor in the Mountains - Page 2
Being lost and depending on his wife to act as navigator. A man not seeing the "No Left Turn" sign, does as his wife says and ends up turning the wrong way down a one way street. Well as luck would have it a policeman was nearby and saw the "wrong turn". When he is pulled over the man tries to explain that they were lost and that he was just following his wife's directions, but the police officer issues him a ticket anyway. The Charge - "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've
circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't
park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the
block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us
not into temptation."
This is reported to be an ACTUAL transcript of a radio conversation between a US
naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,
1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to
arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother says to her small son who is acting mean, "How do you expect to ever
get into Heaven?" To this her son replies" I figure I'll just run in and out the
pearly gates until St. Peter says either stay in or out"!
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20. He says to the
driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man
doesn’t know his wife until he marries her"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
The Sunday School teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to.
My Mom is a good cook."
"Have you got any kittens going cheap?" Asked a customer in a pet shop.
"No, sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go "Meow."
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the
box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped
crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the
seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he
got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing
rifles gave him a broom. ''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity
bangity bang,' and they will die.''
Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line
for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death.
As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out. ''Don't worry.''
said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it
at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die."
When the sirens go off, signaling an invasion Bob is terrified. Going into
battle with a broom and carrot is crazy he thinks, but he goes out anyway only
to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a
good shot at him.
Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity
bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic
carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight.
Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and
stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being
trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes
your money, never does anything you ask it to, and behaves as if you never set
it free in the first place, then you either married or gave birth to it.
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the
examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and
not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down
next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet
looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to
tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he
owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a
police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, "I can outrun
this guy," so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the
highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy
figured, "What the heck," and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police
officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car.
The officer leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man
thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police
officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that
officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
The officer let him go.
Brains vs. Brawn
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the
older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a
week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding
that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the
young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
A Clown gets lost in the desert when his car breaks down. He walks for miles in the hot sun before finally falling dead of a massive stroke. Shortly after his demise, two vultures fly down and begin feasting on his remains. After only a few pecks the first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste funny to you?"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to
men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He
stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver
steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just
joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and
was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the
building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could
do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I had paid the cab driver and
the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to
find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And
when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison ..."
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are
those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out
and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to
watch.
"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
And So It Would Be
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students....here is something to make you
chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing
he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? "
"We have forbidden fruit? "
"Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't
stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He
ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "God, as our first parent, asked?
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said,
"Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in
this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising
children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
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